The First Time I Loved Forever...

Why can’t we be lovers? Could it be that our relationship was a bad case of “right-love-wrong-time” or it was the MU (Mutual Understanding) kind? How can I let go of somebody I have loved for so long?

It happened 11 years ago when I met this guy. Minding his own world and I was having mine.

One night I decided to give him a ring. A ring that changes everything about me. I used a different name and everything. We became close. I befriended him and share each other’s ups and downs of life and everything that we have including love.

Day by day the calls came fewer. I don’t know how to interpret that. We never talked again liked we used to. He would oftentimes refuse to return to my calls and would send me off whenever I approach him. I was puzzled by his actions. My mind is full of what if’s and why’s and probably’s. What if I call him up? Would that be alright? On the other hand he probably does not want to continue the friendship anymore or he found the girl he wants to commit himself to.

One day he confronted me. He told me that he already knew me. At that time I felt cold. I felt guilty after the incident. I cheated him, I know. I made a fool out of him. Our friendship slowly drifted away… the friendship we once tried to build. I can’t look at him face-to-face, eye-to-eye whenever he’s around. We never talked since then. It’s so sad and I can’t help blaming myself with what happened.

A few weeks ago after that incident, I realized and admitted to myself that I’m in love with him. The guy whom I loved since the first time we met but never found the courage to spill it out. But until now, it’s so hard for me to let him know what my true feeling is. And how important he is to me. I don’t want to lose him. He’s the man whom I promised to share my life with forever… whom I was proud to love forever.

Now all I’ve got with me is some good all time memories shared with the one I’ve loved. Memories that will make me reminisce the foolishness I once did to the special man.

I know someday, somehow he will learn to forgive me for what I have done…

Somewhere I have never traveled. Gladly beyond any experience.
Your eyes have their silence. In your most frail gesture are things, which
enclosed me. Or which I can not touch, because they are too near….

Or if
your wish be to close me, I and my life will shut every beautifully suddenly. As
when the heart of this flower imagines the snow. Carefully everywhere
descending.

I do not know what it is about you that closes and opens.
Only something in me understands. The voice of your eyes is deeper than all
roses. Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands…